You, are the person reading this article, unless, of course, you’re not. But that would be awkward.
You are unique — just like everybody else. Ha! You got dissed by an article. That’s worse than being dissed by a person!
Subtext: get over yourself. No one really likes you. You suck. Like many of the things going on behind you, your friends are saying bad things about you and your relatives. All of that is your fault. You need to wise up and stop being so selfish. You’re wasting your time. I mean, seriously, who the fuck looks up a pronoun?! Obviously, you do.
You have a dim realization that nature has played a cruel trick on you but lack the intelligence to realize the magnitude of that trick. You love to quote Calvin and Hobbes, but not admit it. You are a moron, but you may never realize it, as you are so stupid. In fact, Nobody is dumber than you are. But apart from voting for an idiot, you are the worst idea your parents ever had.
But your sister is totally hot. And if you don’t have a sister, I mean… your cousin is sexy. Yum yum. But then again, if you lack cousins…your next door neighbour’s daughter is a total bitch. C’mon admit it, Someone is probably watching her change through her window, cause her house is THAT close!
Time Magazine’s Person of the Year 2007
<insert name here> thinks it tastes good.
Which, by definition, makes you a shim. It is unfortunate that Time Magazine has made such a horrendous error in judgment in naming you the Person of the Year for 2007. I guess they didn’t notice how awesome I am, and all the wonderful contributions I made to society, and me too. But some things don’t even count!
You and stupidity
Both words go well together. Scientific studies suggest that they’re synonyms, and linguists say that they both come from the same Latin root.
But seriously, you have the intelligence of a granola bar. Scratch that. Your intelligence isn’t even comparable to a food item. But you’re still an idiot. I bet you support increasing our dependence on foreign oil or think that the government didn’t do 9/11.
Here’s an analogy: If all the village idiots, in all the villages in the world, left their villages to form their own village of village idiots, in that village of village idiots, <insert name here> would be the village idiot.
If the Elephant man were to see you, he would vomit. Your ass looks like your face, and that’s a compliment. I mean, come on! Just look at you! Your face makes shit look like Pamela Anderson. If you were the first person alive, God would kill you and start over.
You’re so ugly you break any camera even pointed in your general direction. The person with the one camera that didn’t break shot himself before he would have been able to take the picture. And if the picture were somehow taken, it would immediately be uploaded to fugly.net. If that domain name doesn’t exist, it would be instantaneously created to host pictures of your fugliness. Put simply, you are fugly! Now go away! Go! Bog off! Before some crackhead mistakes you for a tree to piss on!
You and Death
You will die one day, my son/daughter/illegitimate love child. There are literally dozens of ways in which you could die. You could be eaten by a Grue. You could be the next victim of the terrible plague You could be tricked by a man telling you that if you look down the barrel of a gun and pull the trigger, candy will come out. You could be in a horror movie right now and not even know it!
Actually, you’re dead already. Nice try though.
You might watch a cursed video, and a telephone will ring. Then you’ll answer the phone and a voice will tell you to pass on the video or you’ll die in 7 days. With 5 seconds to go, Frankenstein will appear and rescue you by taking you to a time loop that begins 5 seconds after the phone rings. After 2^32-1 iterations there is 50-50 chance that Satan or Santa or a policeman will appear and break the loop. You won’t die alone, but you’ll wish you had.
But nobody really knows or cares about how you will die. We’re just speculating. But we do know that on the day of your death, we will all rejoice, as it will mark a new age for mankind, free from you. People will only come to your funeral for the seafood buffet. All your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time.